SOC-031

SOC-031 is an ice cream parlor located in a strip mall in ████ ████, North Carolina. A sign above the door reads "Scoop's," with a simple logo featuring a stylized ice cream scoop.

Containing it is pretty easy, because we just need to keep a sign on the door that says “closed due to lack of staff” and people walk by it and scoff and get too distracted by their own politics to pay attention to the actual place. A standard retail security system is sufficient for keeping any other people out, and also serves as enrichment for SOC-031-1.

Staff

The shop is staffed by a variety of human-appearing individuals, referred to as instances of SOC-031-1. There is always at least one instance of SOC-031-1 in the building, regardless of date or time, but the shop only seems to be “active” in summer months, with “open hours” seeming to be from 9am to midnight, June through September. During “open hours,” instances of SOC-031-1 are greatly increased and seem to be very busy, even if no customers are in the shop. If a customer enters the shop during open hours, all instances of SOC-031-1 exhibit high quality customer service, and if multiple customers are present, at least two SOC-031-1 instances will be made available to assist each customer. SOC-031 will generate instances of SOC-031-1 indefinitely, following the “two per customer” rule. The number of SOC-031-1 instances recorded serving customers at one time has reached over 50, and seems to only be limited by the amount of customers that can fit in the shop itself.

SOC-031 appears to be less focused on selling ice cream than it is on getting customers to taste its many available flavors. SOC-031-1 instances will repeatedly ask customers which flavors they would like to try, and offer samples in small plastic spoons. These spoons disappear upon consuming the sample of ice cream, and though customers are encouraged to try multiple samples, SOC-031 will only allow a customer to hold one sample spoon at a time, and will not offer a new one to a customer that has not finished their current sample. Attempting to remove these spoons from the premises also results in them simply disappearing, with no action from SOC-031-1.

Ordering

The menu displayed on the wall within the lobby of SOC-031 is sparse, and no prices are listed. The options listed on the menu were each ordered and documented.

Menu Option Ordered	Result
“Single Scoop”	A single scoop of ice cream served in an unmarked paper cup.
“Double Scoop”	Two scoops of ice cream served in an unmarked paper cup.
“Triple Scoop”	Three scoops of ice cream served in an unmarked paper cup, with a single maraschino cherry on top. The cherry was not noted on the menu.
“Mega Scoop”	A very large scoop of ice cream, roughly the size of four normal scoops, served in an unmarked paper cup.
“Mega Scoop Surprise”	A scoop of ice cream the same size as the “Mega Scoop,” but consisting of a flavor not on display in the store, apparently scooped from somewhere under the payment counter. Inspections of this area have not shown any ice cream or refrigeration equipment in this area Flavors created by ordering a Mega Scoop Surprise are to be immediately designated instances of SOC-031-B and handled with extreme caution, and are not to be consumed outside of a controlled testing environment. See Document #031-5 for all incident reports filed subsequent to ordering a Mega Scoop Surprise.

After ordering anything off of the menu, an instance of SOC-031-1 will walk to the cash register, say, “That’ll be just a couple bucks,” and await payment. Anything resembling U.S. currency is accepted, including board game or play money and blank plastic or cardboard credit cards from advertising mail. Regardless of the amount offered, SOC-031-1 will take it in hand, examine it for a moment, and mime pressing buttons on the cash register. It will then return the offered currency in its entirety to the customer, declaring, “Here’s your change!”

Refusing to pay SOC-031-1 will not incite any apparent violence or anger, but may cause the instance to appear disappointed or incredulous towards the customer, with this intensifying upon repeat orders without payment. It’s really not that big of a deal to pretend to pay it, so it’s probably best to give it some Monopoly money or something so it doesn’t get upset.

Any ice cream that has been ordered, placed into a paper cup, and received by the customer during open hours (aside from orders of a “Mega Scoop Surprise” – see Document #031-5) becomes an instance of SOC-031-A and is able to be removed from the premises of SOC-031 without disappearing as the samples do. This ice cream behaves similarly to any normal ice cream, and is composed of material consistent with commercially available ice cream, with the addition of possibly anomalous stabilizers that allow SCP-031-A to remain solid and cold to the touch in temperature ranges outside that which would cause ordinary ice cream to melt.

Flavors

SOC-031 serves a variety of ice cream flavors displayed in three refrigerated glass cases, each holding ten large tubs of ice cream. Each tub displays a hand-written tag with the flavor’s name. Flavors stocked by SOC-031 change rapidly, and have been noted to change not only when a customer leaves or enters the shop, but also at times while a customer is turning around to view one of the other cases. SOC-031-1 is never seen removing or replacing the tubs of ice cream, and no single tub has remained in a case long enough to become more than half empty, so it is unknown what SOC-031-1 would do were a tub to run out of ice cream.

Flavors offered during open hours seem to be a mix of “classic” flavors found in many ice cream parlors and “artisan” flavors that tend to be themed around pop culture or specific phrases. Artisan flavors on display often seem to be targeted to the current customer, with references to topics the customer enjoys. This is supported by documentation of the artisan flavors appearing to change more frequently when multiple customers are present in SOC-031. Ingredients for flavors are not listed, and if SOC-031-1 is asked what a particular flavor tastes like, a sample is offered and SOC-031-1 simply responds, “Try it and see for yourself!”

Stupid Object Researchers, feel free to try as many flavors of SOC-031-A as you want to, as long as you document any notable ones here. All flavors with anomalous effects upon consumption (aside from tasting bad or giving you a normal stomach ache) are designated instances of SOC-031-B and should be documented in the table under the “Closed Hours” heading below.

Flavor Name	Appearance	Taste	Notes
Leather Vest	Swirled red, yellow, and blue, similar to standard “Superman” ice cream	French vanilla	We don’t know what this could even be a reference to.
Soma Sludge	Dark red, dark brown, and black, with a visibly gritty texture	A very bright citrus flavor similar to lemon italian ice	Flavor name and appearance seem to be a reference to a video game enjoyed by researcher █████, who ordered it, and was apprehensive about its possible taste. The taste was found to be one of his preferred flavors, which indicates the “personalized" flavors offered by SOC-031 may also be personalized in taste as well as theme.
Halloween Cake	Green purple, white and black with bat-shaped sprinkles	Vanilla cake	“Halloween Cake” and “Spooky Cake” appeared simultaneously as flavor options right next to each other. When asked what the difference between them was, SOC-031-1 responded, “It’s the witch’s brew!”
Spooky Cake	Orange purple, white and black with cat-shaped sprinkles	Vanilla cake	See above.
Shrimpo Sause	Dark brown and pale orange	Steamed shrimp and Hershey’s chocolate sauce, with traces of soil	It was really gross.
Wolfermelon	Bright reddish-pink with what appear to be large “watermelon seeds" throughout	Watermelon candy; “seeds” inedible	The "seeds” were discovered upon testing to be highly compacted bundles of hairs of Canis lupus, or gray wolf, with no otherwise anomalous behavior.
Sushi Burrito	White with orange and yellow chunks	Overripe mango and pineapple	We guess we kinda get the sushi part, but what about the burrito?
Mountain Dew Fuck You	Pale red	A combination of Mountain Dew soda, Mountain Dew Code Red soda, an unidentified fruit-flavored energy drink, and Coca-Cola	Flavor is highly caffeinated. Not anomalously so, but be careful.
Vanillla	Ordinary vanilla ice cream	Vanilla ice cream, but somehow every bite tastes like a slightly different variety of vanilla	This flavor is easily mistaken for "classic" vanilla, but the label has an extra L.
Shadow Milk	Very dark blue-black swirled with a lighter blue	Described by researcher █████ as "like stracciatella, but without the chocolate."	Flavor name and appearance seem to be a reference to a character from Cookie Run. Flavor does not seem to be anomalous, but does make one of our researchers lose his mind whenever it shows up for some reason.
Spiky n' Spoocy	Black and white ice cream with large orange shards	Spicy chocolate with even spicier pieces. Like, actually spicy, not just pretending to be spicy.	The shards were discovered upon testing to be dried fragments of a previously unknown variety of hot pepper. Classification of this pepper as a Stupid Object of its own has been proposed.

Closed Hours

From 12:01am to 8:59am June to September, or all hours from October to May, SOC-031 is “closed” and largely inactive. One instance of SOC-031-1 remains within SOC-031 at all times, but is not always active and may remain still for long periods of time. During “closed hours,” the front door of SOC-031 is locked, and customers are not welcomed into the store, though customers staying past closing are not ejected from the shop by force. All lights within the store are dimmed, and all flavors available in the glass cases are changed to flavors of SOC-031-B. SOC-031-1 reportedly does not control the lights dimming or flavors changing, and when questioned, has replied, “Sorry, I just work here.”

SOC-031-B refers to any ice cream produced by ordering a “Mega Surprise Scoop” or acquired during closed hours. Flavors of SOC-031-B are more abstract in nature than anything found during the open hours of SOC-031, and have extra anomalous effects. These anomalous effects increase in intensity depending on the amount of SOC-031-B consumed, and great caution should be exercised when consuming more than a sample size of any flavor of SOC-031-B. “Triple Scoop” and “Mega Scoop” sizes of SOC-031-B are not to be ordered by researchers without express permission from whoever is running the SOC-031 testing chamber this week, because it’s a real pain to clean up after those sometimes.

Flavor Name	Appearance	Taste	Effects (Sample consumed)	Effects (Single or Double Scoop consumed)	Effects (Triple or Mega Scoop consumed)
School Playground In The Summer	Pale tan sandy color; visibly grainy texture	Graham crackers and honey	Subject experiences a feeling of physical warmth, as though they were standing outside on a sunny day.	Subject experiences a feeling of playfulness and desire to climb and jump on structures, particularly those which are intended for use by someone other than the subject.	Subject experiences a feeling of terror and wrongness, and of "being in the wrong place at the wrong time." Subject becomes convinced they have trespassed, and attempt to leave the location they are currently in as quickly as possible, lest they be punished.
Rosary Beads	Light brown streaked with darker brown and red	Floral and woody, more of an aroma than a flavor	Subject experiences a feeling of spiritual fulfillment and desire to perform physical acts related to their own personal spiritual beliefs.	Subject exhibits tic-like motions of the fingers and thumb on their dominant hand, and recites unintelligible "prayers" under their breath. Subject experiences a feeling of spiritual obligation and desire to perform acts of penance to an unspecified deity.	Subject experiences extreme feelings of guilt and desire to pray to an unspecified deity, strongly implied to be God as portrayed by the Catholic Church. Subject exhibits constant tic-like motions of the fingers and thumb on both hands, as well as repeated bowing and kneeling. Subject reports wishes to renounce any previous faith they have held, and insist upon [REDACTED]. After 20 days, all tics and feelings of guilt appear to cease, and subject reports feelings of agnosticism, regardless of the strength of their beliefs prior to ingesting SOC-031-B.
Dance Class	Pale red and white, filled with brownie and chocolate candy pieces	Red velvet and sweet cream with brownie and Kit Kat pieces	Subject reports a feeling of internal "beat" and exhibits enhanced ability to keep time with a rhythm for several minutes.	Subject compulsively performs any dance moves they are aware of, regardless of trained skill. Subject is able to flawlessly perform all of these moves, but only for approximately four minutes, after which they will begin faltering and become unable to complete more complex steps without losing balance.	Subject becomes unable to walk without tremendous thought and effort put into each step. Subject experiences a feeling of extreme pressure to perform and simultaneously shows signs of "stage fright." Subject is compelled to dance to any music playing, and is able to flawlessly keep time, but cannot perform any moves without either faltering or falling. If anything other than complete approval and support is expressed to subjects in this state, they will begin breaking down in tears, so be nice until it wears off.
Medkit	Very pale blue	Salty with a chemical aroma	Subject experiences a cooling feeling targeted at a small surface wound or otherwise painful area of their body. This does not physically change anything, but is reported as "a relief."	Subject experiences the sensation of an intravenous saline flush. This does not physically heal any ailments, but subject reports feeling "refreshed” and “revitalized” by the experience.	Subject falls unconscious as if being put under general anesthesia. Subject requires mechanical assistance to breathe during this period. After █ to ██ days, subject will wake with a sensation of complete wellness and energy. No physical changes appear to take place, but subject will report a significantly lessened feeling of pain for up to ██ weeks after waking.
Greenberry	Bright neon green	Citric acid and sugar, like a vague “fruit-flavored” sour candy	All hair on the head and body of the subject turns bright green, as though it has been dyed. The hair can be cut or shaven and will grow back in its natural color.	Subject's hair and skin turn bright green as though they have been dyed. The hair can be cut or shaven and will grow back in its natural color. The green color is present only in the top layers of skin, and will slowly fade as new cells grow to replace it.	All tissues in subject's body turn bright green. All cells will reproduce this green color for weeks, months, or even years, depending on how much of this flavor of SOC-031-B was consumed. It is unclear if this has a functional effect on the body, but it's really hard to have a normal conversation with someone who is completely green.
Butter	Creamy pale yellow	Tastes exactly like eating a frozen stick of butter	Subject experiences a feeling of fullness and slight sensation of "greasiness" around mouth.	Subject experiences [DATA EXPUNGED] and a strong desire to order a larger portion of the same flavor of SOC-031-B.	[DATA EXPUNGED]. Do not attempt consumption outdoors, as subject will always [DATA EXPUNGED] until [REDACTED]. This process is not reversible.

Normally, the only way to access SOC-031 during closed hours is to enter the shop during open hours and wait for it to close while you’re still in it. However, very rarely, SOC-031 will unlock its doors during closed hours, and allow one person at a time into the shop. We're still trying to figure out how it decides when to unlock and let someone in, and who it decides to let in. Someone should really figure that out.